Philosophy in the Malibu Bedroom

Dialogue the Third

In a Delightful Malibu Boudoir

BERTA (she who scrubs)
GODDESS 2, greatly surprised to find in this room a man whom she had not expected — Great God! Dearest friend, we are betrayed!

GODDESS 1, equally surprised — Strange, Monsieur, to find you here. Were you not expected at four?

CHARLIE — One always hastens the advent of that happiness which comes of seeing you, Madame. I encountered my brother, Alan—he anticipated the usefulness of my presence at the lessons you are to give Mademoiselle, and knew this to be the lyceum where they would be given. Unperceived, he introduced me into this chamber, far from imagining you might disapprove; and as for himself, aware his demonstrations will only be necessary after the dissertations on theory, he will not make his appearance until later, as soon as he can drop off his dim-witted son at the home of the sow who bore him.

GODDESS 1 — Indeed, Charlie, this is an unforeseen turn…

GODDESS 2 — By which I am not deceived, my good friend; it is all your work… At least, you should have consulted me... instead of exposing me to this shame. It will certainly prejudice all our projects.

GODDESS 1 — Goddess 2, I protest—Alan is responsible for this, not I. But there's no cause for alarm: I know Charlie for a most agreeable man, and he possesses just that degree of philosophic understanding we require for your enlightenment. He can be of nothing but the greatest service to our schemes. As for his discretion, I am as willing to answer for it as for my own. TMZ's witchery has no purchase in this chamber.  Therefore, dear heart, familiarize yourself with this man who in all the world is the best endowed to form you and to guide you into a career of the happiness and the pleasures we wish to taste together.

GODDESS 2, blushing — Oh I still find all this most upsetting…

CHARLIE — Come, my lovely Goddess 2, put yourself at ease... Modesty is an antiquated virtue which you, so rich in charms, ought to know wonderfully well how to do without.

GODDESS 2 — But decency…

CHARLIE — Ha! A Gothicism not very much defended these days. It is so hostile to Nature!  Let ABC and the middle west gnash their rotting teeth in defense of this decency. 

(Charlie seizes Goddess 2, folds her in his arms, and kisses her.)

GODDESS 2, struggling in his embrace — That's quite enough, Monsieur… Indeed, you show me very little consideration!

GODDESS 1 — Goddess 2, listen to me: let's both of us cease behaving like prudes with this charming gentleman; I am not better acquainted with him than are you, yet watch how I give myself to him. (She kisses him indecently on the mouth.) Imitate me...or most assuredly you shall never find solace in the residuals of your own cable reality contract. 

GODDESS 2 — Oh, Most willingly; where might I find better examples? (She puts herself in Charlie’s arms; he kisses her ardently, tongue in mouth.)

CHARLIE — Amiable, delicious creature!

GODDESS 1, kissing her in the same way — Didst think, little chit, I'd not have my turn as well? (At this point Charlie, holding first one in his arms, then the other, tongues both, each for a quarter of an hour, and they both tongue one another and him.)

CHARLIE — Ah, such preliminaries make me drunk with desire! Mesdames, upon my word, it is extraordinarily warm here; more lightly attired, we might converse with infinitely greater comfort.

GODDESS 1 — You are right, sit; we'll don these gauze negligees of our charms, they'll conceal only those that must be hidden from desire.  And then I shall prepare the cocaine. 

GODDESS 2 — Indeed, dear one, you lead me to do things!

GODDESS 1, helping her undress — Completely ridiculous, isn't it?

GODDESS 2 — Most improper at the very least, I'd say… My how you kiss me!

GODDESS 1 — Pretty bosom!… a rose only now reaching full bloom.  Might I snort a contrail of blow from across its delicate summit? 

CHARLIE, considering, without touching, Goddess 2's breasts — And which promises yet other allurements… infinitely to be preferred.

GODDESS 1 — Infinitely to be preferred?

CHARLIE — Oh yes, upon my honor. (Saying which, Charlie appears eager to turn Goddess 2 about in order to inspect her from the rear.)

GODDESS 2 — No, I beg of you!

GODDESS 1 — No, Charlie… I don't want you yet to see... an object whose sway
over you is so great that, the image of it once fixed in your head, you are unable thereafter to reason coolly, especially once you partake of the cocaine and devil's aspirin. We need your lessons, first give them to us—and afterward the myrtle you covet will be your reward.  Otherwise I shall have no recourse but to call Dr. Clown Shoes, and you shall not like his potents or powders. 

CHARLIE — Very well, but in order to demonstrate, in order to give this beautiful child the first lessons of libertinage, we will require willing cooperation from you, Madame, in the exercise that must follow.

GODDESS 1 — So be it! All right then, look you here—I'm entirely naked. Make your
dissertations upon me as much as you please.

CHARLIE —  Oh, lovely body! Tis Venus herself, embellished by the Graces.  Veritably, I am winning!

GODDESS 2 — Oh, my dear friend, what charms! Delights! Let me drink them in with my eyes, let me cover them with my kisses. (She does so.)

CHARLIE — What excellent predispositions! A trifle less passion, lovely Goddess 2, for the moment you are only being asked to show a little attention.  This isn't an audition for the part of least yet.

GODDESS 2 — Let's continue, I'm listening… But how beautiful she is... so plump, so fresh!… Ah, how charming my dear friend is. Is she not, Monsieur?

CHARLIE — Beautiful, assuredly... she is wondrous to see; but I am persuaded you yield to her in nothing… Well, now, my pretty little student, either you pay attention to me or beware lest, if you are not docile, I exercise over you the rights amply conferred upon me by my title as your mentor.

GODDESS 1 — Oh, yes, yes indeed, Charlie, I put her into your safekeeping. She must have a severe scolding if she misbehaves.

CHARLIE — It is very possible I might not be able to confine myself to remonstrances. 

GODDESS 2 — Great heaven! You terrify me... what then would you do to me, Monsieur?

CHARLIE, stammering, and kissing Goddess 2 on the mouth — Punishments... corrections... I might very well hold this pretty little ass accountable for mistakes made by the head. (He strikes the former through the gauze dressing gown in which Goddess 2 is presently arrayed.)  And it may even become necessary to sever that head and place it in a small box. 

GODDESS 1 — Yes, I approve of the project but not of the gesture. Let's begin our lesson, else the little time granted us to enjoy Goddess 2 will be spent in preliminaries, and the instruction shall remain incomplete.

The door to the boudoir opens suddenly.

BERTA--holding a mop and looking disgusted --  Do my eyes deceive? Are you three still at it?  Please tell me, sir, that I shall not have to cleanse your prodigious spunk from the carpet yet again today?   (the quartet explodes in raucous laughter)


with apologies to the marquis

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