Skip to main content

Ann/otations 4

One of the hazards of reading Ann Coulter's column each week is that you start to receive Ann Coulter spam.  In the interests of annotating the full range of Coulter's work, below is a recent message subjected to analysis.  Here Ms. Coulter implores us to sign up for Guns and Patriots, a new website affiliated with her main employer Human Events.  And this one ends up being a real jaw-dropper, I promise.

The world in which they live.
Dear Fellow Conservative,

Dear Fellow Paranoid Psychotics and fans of The Turner Diaries,

I hope you've been enjoying my columns. From time to time, I also like to alert you to other trustworthy Internet sources I rely on.

My employer, Human Events, is starting a new website targeting yahoos who believe the government is plotting to take away their guns.  If you enjoy the weekly screeds I phone-in each week to pay my mortgage in Manhattan, then you're probably just such a target yahoo. 

Guns & Patriots is one of the best. (And it's FREE, to boot!)

Don't worry, reading this site won't cut into your bullet or beef jerky budget.  We'll get the money back when we convince you to buy Identity Theft protection and GOLD! GOLD! GOLD!

Let's just blurt the truth out — liberals are stark, raving bonkers on the subject of guns!

Yes, let's: liberals are "stark, raving bonkers on the subject of guns!"  That's why liberals spend all their time thinking about guns, reading magazines and websites about guns, worrying about their guns, polishing their guns, counting their bullets, fantasizing about intruders (or better yet, Feds) breaking into the house that they might shoot with impunity, and so on.

According to the Left, besides killing people, guns cause global warming, acid reflux and toenail fungus.

Coulter employs hyperbole here, although it may not be seen as such by her target audience.  "Why I hear tell now them libtards have taken to blamin' toenail fungus on guns!"  For the record, "liberals" are generally more concerned about how the child pictured on the book cover above is infinitely more likely to shoot himself or a friend than Scaredy McHousewife is to plug whatever menace she perceives may or may not be lurking outside her window.

 So let's make America one-big "Gun-Free Zone" — like the campus of Virginia Tech on the day a sex-starved loser massacred 32 people.

Ann goes for the "Texas strategy" here, the oft repeated logic among legislators in that state that arming everyone would prevent spree killers and mass murderers from ever getting out of the gate because, you know, John Wayne will be right there to plug 'em between the eyes--just like George Zimmerman did to that skittle-addled psychopath running loose where he clearly had no business running loose. 

I don't care if you own a gun or not, you've got to thank God for the 2nd Amendment.

The Christian God you presumably believe in wants nothing more than to protect your right and opportunity to fire projectiles at high speeds into your fellow human beings.  I believe it was Jesus who said, "Kill them all and let Dad sort them out."

Without it, we'd lose all our other rights.

They're after you. They really are. All of them.  All the time.  I bet the postman has a gun in his satchel, authorized directly by Obama himself.  Why does the postman get to have a gun and I don't?  Goddamn liberal hypocrisy!  Maybe if I put some buckshot in the postman's ass, that will teach Obummer to use postal workers as his own private army of federal enforcers.  Ma!  Ma!  My head hurts again...

Guns & Patriots keeps me up to speed on breaking developments in the struggle to stop our own government from turning us all into defenseless wimps at the mercy of crazy people who shoot up the local McDonald's.

Coulter reveals the age of her target audience here by making an oblique reference to James Huberty, who in July of 1984 shot and killed 22 people at a McDonalds in San Ysidro, California (and injuring 19).  But let's review the profile of "crazy" Mr. Huberty, shall we (courtesy wiki): 

James Huberty: Tea Party Poster Boy
Huberty, a survivalist, saw signs of what he thought was growing trouble in America, taking on the belief that government regulations was the cause of business failures, including his own. He believed that international bankers were purposefully manipulating the Federal Reserve System and bankrupting the nation. Convinced that Soviet aggression was everywhere, he believed that the breakdown of society was near, perhaps through economic collapse or nuclear war. He committed himself to prepare to survive this coming collapse and while in Canton, provisioned his house with thousands of dollars of non-perishable food and six guns that he intended to use to defend his home during what he believed was the coming chaos. When he moved from Ohio, he left the food behind but brought the guns with him.

In other words, James Huberty was by 2012 standards a model "Tea Party" Republican and the ideal reader for Guns and F@#king  Patriots magazine. 

And this is why Ann Coulter is a horrible, horrible person. She's old enough and smart enough to know this about Huberty, but has no qualms whatsoever making money by gleefully stoking the paranoia of our nations' current crop of unbalanced survivalist, anti-Fed, anti-regulation loons.  

Join the growing community of patriots and 2nd Amendment activists who cherish and defend the freedoms most Americans take for granted.

There are no words, AC. 

Below, more evidence of my theory about Coulter's erotic appeal to middle-aged conservative men who wish their wives had more "gumption." 

Popular posts from this blog

Whatever Happened to "Radar" O'Reilly?

A DA-7 hardship discharge brought Radar right back to where he started in life: Ottumwa, Iowa. In less than a month he knew he had made a terrible mistake.  Radar had neither the inclination nor the tenacity necessary to run a working farm, and soon he and his mother were even closer to bankruptcy than ever before.  After a long talk, Radar finally persuaded his ailing mother to go live with her sister in a neighboring town.

Somehow during this difficult period of transition, Radar became engaged to be married.  But after announcing his intention to sell the farm and all the livestock, Radar's bride-to-be began acting strangely--or so it seemed to Radar.  The night before the wedding, a panicked O'Reilly arrived unannounced on the doorstep of his surrogate father, Colonel Sherman T. Potter (who had taken a position shortly after the Armistice supervising the V.A. hospital in River Bend, Missouri, just a few hours south of Ottumwa).  As it so happened, Radar burst into the hou…

Violent Jeff Foxworthy Breakfast Snipes

The Inhuman Centipede

Maybe you’ve been ignoring the whole Human Centipede thing hoping it would eventually go away.  And no one would blame you.  By now, almost every pop- literate citizen is at least aware of the basic premise—psychotic German surgeon abducts three people and sutures them together, ass to mouth, to form the “human centipede” (after practicing on his three Dobermans, the lost, lamented “3-dog”).  No one should have to see something like that if they don’t want to.  For many, it’s bad enough just knowing it exists—try to “unthink” that premise once you’ve heard it.
The “human centipede” is a brilliant concept that made for a decent film.  Congratulations to writer/director Tom Six for imagineering a genuinely novel development in the horror repertoire, especially this late in the game.   By virtue of the premise alone, The Human Centipede was the biggest innovation in exploitation since the great hype-cloud that allowed The Blair Witch Project to blur possibility and probability back in 1…