Pundit Guide
Qualifications: Former congressman representing a swamp in Northern Florida. Briefly the self-proclaimed king of “Scarborough Country,” a mythical land of woefully unexamined “common sense” and grossly presumptive “heartland values.” Insufferably enthusiastic supporter of Alabama football program.
Raw Intelligence 83
Self-Perceived Intelligence 95
Differential -12
Effect of Differential: Sincerely believes he is befuddling “elites” and their liberal dogma through the Socratic irony of pretending to be a bumpkin. Frequently confuses cynicism cultivated during stint in Congress with timeless wisdom as to the “truth” of politics.
Political correlation between “self” and TV persona: 90-95%. Living part-time on Manhattan’s upper west-side has somewhat tempered his commitment to Conservative bullshit.
Pro: Less abrasive than Imus.
Con: Less funny than Imus.
______________________________________________________________________________
Peggy Noonan (CNN/Fox)
Qualifications: Speechwriter for former president Ronald Reagen, most famous for having had the necessary skill to write a speech making the nation feel emotional about the Challenger explosion.
Raw Intelligence 90
Self-Perceived Intelligence 100+
Differential -10
(would go higher if mathematics allowed)
Effect of Differential: After Noonan’s appearances, numerous viewers have reported needing the inside of their television screens swabbed out to remove stubborn layer of oily smugness.
Political correlation between “self” and TV persona: Sadly, 100%
Pro: Provides the left with a potent reminder of "smart" conservatism’s penchant for condescending generalization.
Con: Political commentary both regards and addresses the “American people” as stupid but essentially well-meaning grandchildren.
________________________________________________________________________
Qualifications: Time at Air America and a guest pundit on Olberman’s show. Has a Ph.D. and apparently isn’t ashamed about it.
Raw Intelligence: 95
Self-Perceived Intelligence: 95
Differential: 0
Effect of Differential: Basically imperceptible.
Political correlation between “self” and TV persona: Seemingly 100%
Pro: As an out lesbian with a Berkeley Ph.D. and stylish glasses, Maddow is the perfect socio-cultural emblem for terrifying conservatives still living in 1957; in fact, some maintain Maddow is an RNC hologram operated entirely for fundraising purposes.
Con: Professed disinterest in all other forms of television and popular culture a bit too “Berkeley” even by Northern California standards. Has tendency to address her audience as if they were Fox viewers who she must convince of something--when of course no one to the right of Mao ever sees her (except, perhaps, viewers who temporarily stop on their way over to Fox to look for a pork rind in the carpet ).
_________________________________________________________________________
Qualifications: Unknown. Disdainful eyebrow furrowing?
Raw Intelligence: 70
Self-Perceived Intelligence: 95
Differential: -25
Effect of Differential: Relatively dramatic gap between raw and perceived intelligence forces Hannity to rely on time-tested Neanderthal debating techniques; namely, interrupting those who disagree with him by amplifying his grunting and gesticulations. Rumored to routinely piss on desk to mark territory.
Political correlation between “self” and TV persona: Unclear. Could be as high as 95% or as low as 50%.
Pro: Extraordinarily useful as a cautionary tale to children about what life is like without a soul.
Con: Even temporary or "ironic" exposure to Hannity makes one more vulnerable to episodes of road-rage and/or possibility of using armpit farts in policy discussions.
