Suddenly It Rained Apes

For the most part, my University does a pretty good job protecting me from boner pills.  Every so often, however, ingenious spammers find a way through the network's intricate defenses to confront me with an offer to buy a shovelful of Viagra, Cialis, Xanax, Lipitor, and other psycho/penile-active agents.  Most of the time this is simply annoying--but today I received two Cialis spams that almost make me want to disable my filter and let every snakeoil salesman back into my computer, regardless of the consequences.

The spam starts innocently enough with the graphic on the right where, for the measly sum of $2.40 American, I am invited to show my girlfriend "what a real sex is!"  This would seem to be a simple translation error--although the ambiguities haunting this phrase are rather provocative.  Is this merely an odd euphemism for a vigorous shagging--or is there some challenge here to convince my "girlfriend" that heterosexual masculinity remains a viable, "real" category of sexual classification?  Actually, as a mode of performance, the line dividing these two positions is probably very thin--but as the guy in the ad does not appear to be doing much talking (at least with his mouth...ha!), one has to assume the 2 bucks 40 buys you a chubby and not the solution to an ongoing post-structural debate. 

The caption is hilarious, no doubt about that.  But even weirder is the text accompanying the ad.  For some strange reason, these merchants have appended their sexy Cialis ad to a paragraph of wildly experimental prose.  Again, one suspects translation is an issue here--and yet, the text is so inspired in its disjointed and seemingly random logic that brief consideration must also be given to William S. Burroughs texting from beyond the grave.


The first text, purportedly from "Doreen Sharpe," reads as follows (and I swear I have changed not a single word): 

 fruit

Good afternoon, Riley!

Zane let go of the soul. He comes in fifty minutes. Satan's minions were always watching. Still Zane found he was not afraid. And he had a chance!

Et je vous reponds qu'il avait reussi. The Doctor sprang from his chair. I'll be back every month or two. The sound of their tread became loud. How could you possibly know? He is very manly and reliable. The other thing was negative.

Suddenly an idea occurred to him. Zane re- mounted. There is my card. I'll keep space up to midnight. Robert Jordan had said nothing. These others have been done to death. Lyons had resumed her seat. This is Mr. Therefore it had come later. Fill up your pockets. Don't touch it!

Suddenly it rained apes. Not a thinker. THE MAN ON THE TOR. So make the best of him. In vain they strove to break loose. Was this not evidence? There are many in the hills. It is the principle of the fox.

The prospects were dazzling

The second text is from "Ida Erwin" and reads as follows: 

The thug touched Luna's breasts again. It is to save him. They come of their own free will. Had Death ever gone on strike before? And Clara is quite as bad. Who did you serve? Maybe Satan sent the phone man out!

Put a couple on the cow! He heard a chilling baying. He could hardly handle his own death. What creative thought could alleviate the squeeze? Smith or Mr. In the morning? But the marks? I'll take you there with pleasure You should not take violent exercise. Zane hardly glanced at him. He asked me how. Such a lovely plan!

Where was that friend or enemy now? You have seen Pablo? You always find me when you want. That manner of speaking never brings luck. He must have nerves of iron. He handed me a lens. But I learn fast. The gypsy showed him. DEATH ON THE MOOR.

What has he done? So was the Southwark fire. I've nothing more for you to-night. We can take Segovia. What a very shocking affair! We've got to fix our business. The order is not mine. Suddenly it rained apes. In vain they strove to break loose. We are through the crust. Can you hear them now?

Robert Jordan pushed them toward the others

For the hermenuetically inclined, many questions present themselves here.  Segovia is in Spain--that's straightforward enough.  But who are Luna, Clara, Pablo, Zane, and Robert Jordan?  The latter two gentlemen appear in both texts, but I can find no record of any literary property containing both a "Zane" and a "Robert Jordan."  Only one phrase appears in both--"Suddenly it rained apes"--which would  appear to be from Conan Doyle's The Lost World (1912)--and yet there is no Zane or Robert Jordan in that story.  As to the Southwark fire, the Wiki-Gods inform me that much of that London borough did indeed burn to the ground in 1861--but how any of this is related to the pharmeceutical generation of erections remains a mystery.    
If you recognize these weird fragments, please let me know.  I am extremely curious to understand the  bonds linking Cialis, "a real sex," Victorian disasters, and random pterodactyl attacks.

We have a winner.  David Church has informed me that Robert Jordan is the protagonist from Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls.  I would be embarrassed about this lapse in my basic knowledge of 20th century American lit, but I hitched my wagon to Faulkner long ago and thus have  no time for "Papa."  Thinking about it, however, wouldn't The Sun Also Rises be a more appropriate pick in this context? 

Stranger yet, the other characters appear to be from Piers Anthony's On a Pale Horse.  What any of these novels have to do with Cialis, however, remains unknown.